Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
