mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
