i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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