she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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