If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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