I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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