Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
we're so committed to being not committed
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