Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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