The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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