just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
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Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
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It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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