So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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