I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
