you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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