Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
