i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
