i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Randomize
