Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
