yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
