I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
