I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
