hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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