I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
