we're blogging at a bar
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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