I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
