ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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