Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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