I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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