we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
