The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
