Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
