Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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