I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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