I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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