It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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