Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
