if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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