did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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