My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
