Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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