chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
