So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
