it wasn't lemon gatorade
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
