He uses pillows to masturbate.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
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You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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