If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
