I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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