I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
