is wine microwaveable?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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