I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
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You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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