All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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