I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
