Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
