Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
