The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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