the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
