I faked an abortion last night.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
