he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
